Apple Pie

Yesterday, I crossed out one point on my Things to Do Before 19- list: bake an American apple pie. It was good. I'm also quite happy about the appearance of the pie. Not bad for the first try. I'd publish the recipe, but it's not my own recipe and I don't know a thing about copyright stuff. I will most certainly do this pie again in the future. Go Americans for inventing this treat! And you know, what else can you say about an apple pie?

Motivation Breakdown

I've been sick for a while now, making me unable to go to gym. Right when I had a little motivation. I've been spending way too much time writing some of my essays, and the teachers still think I could do better. I could just stop trying and be happy as long as I pass. That's the attitude I have studied with in high school this far. But now it's the last year and I have a drop more motivation to get better grades. Had*. That motivation is slowly fading. I tried to avoid stress by doing everything on time, and it was going quite well for some time: I'm ahead of the schedule. But I can't avoid the fact that there is just so much to do that no matter how hard I work, the essays and projects will never end. (Deep sigh...)
I just finished one 1400 word essay. It doesn't really make me feel especially happy, since there are still damn many more similarly long essays to write. If I somehow get into a University, how am I ever going to survive there? Last week I finished a 4000 word essay, but apparently I still have to modify it, and I'm already perfectly fed up with it. Feels so useless, I know I won't get a very good grade whether I put an effort on it or not. It just tends to happen. It's impossible to get the best grade nowadays, unless you're some abnormal super-brain. Why do they put that grade on the scale when no one can have it...
My motivation is used up, and there's still six months to go. Six months, three or four exam weeks, nine long essays, some including laboratory working, few lab reports, two projects, five books to read and the entire project of applying to a University. Plus CAS service. Meaning voluntary working on top of all that. And when all that is over, I will start studying for the final exams.

Of Poems and Diamonds

I was sitting on a Finnish lesson today when I had an inspiration. The best ideas always happen that way. They just suddenly start forming in my head, coming almost out of nowhere. The only bad part is that I sometimes forget them before I have written them down. Should always write them down right away, but it's very hard sometimes. For example on the Finnish lessons: there are four students in a cramped classroom. It's not really a place where you can start writing a poem on your phone. (Not that our school would be lacking students, it's just an IB Higher Level Finnish thing...)

For some reason, I don't like telling people that I write poems. Few years ago I found it really embarrassing. There's really no reason for it, but I believe everyone understands. On the other hand, it's almost like making songs, and that's cool, isn't it? There's just no music, only lyrics. And with some songs, lyrics are the best part. I think I have mentioned my guitar that I painted but can't play. Well, I used to dream about being able to play some instrument just so that I could turn my poems into songs. But that dream faded. Didn't die, but faded. It would be incredibly awesome if some day I could make lyrics for songs, but it's not exactly one of my biggest dreams. I'm happy with just the poems.

The cool things about poems is that I can write a story with only few stanzas. Maybe no one gets it, but I get it. I can describe things that cannot be described, the sentences don't need to make sense. That's what I like the most about poems. They don't make sense, and still perfectly describe whatever I want them to describe. The more irrational they are, the more meanings they have. One day they fit perfectly to one situation, few years later the exact same words fit perfectly to an entirely different situation. Or maybe the meaning just gets deeper. Or maybe it doesn't have to have a meaning, maybe it just sounds beautiful. Sometimes there's just words that don't make much sense but sound good, like one or two lines. Then when I try to make it into a longer poem, it doesn't sound good. But two lines isn't really a poem.

Few words about diamonds. Everyone likes diamonds. I like everything sparkling. I have used diamonds before as a metaphor in an old poem, but that metaphor is really hard to explain. "Diamonds too icy, more cold, more sparks". I don't consider diamonds as a symbol of fortune and glamour, more like something precious but immaterial. Like certain characteristics or values that really make you who you are. Those are like diamonds. I think (not sure because it's been years from that poem) that the icy and sparkling part means emotionally icy. The colder, the more sparks, meaning more beautiful, more valuable. Like icy diamonds, they have more sparks than "warm" diamonds. I don't really use any symbol as it is commonly used. I connect happiness to rain and many negative feelings to sunlight. Well, it's not exactly that simple. No wonder if my poems are misunderstood. Feel free to make your own interpretation.

Diamonds of Light

And the sun was shining

so you smiled,

but the diamonds in your eyes

were for someone else.

Don’t drag me into light,

I don’t want to be blind

Come too close

and the diamonds crumble into dust,

wither back to coal,

and you won’t see them shine

Do you want to see

what sunlight does to me?

Does their laughter glitter in the rays,

dribble on the grass like abundant gems

Do you hide inside on rainy days,

I knew you’d be just the same

Enjoy the jewels bleary and fading,

carelessly scattered,

see them touching and breaking

Smile at the sun,

glow in the light

And the sun shines,

so you smile,

with diamonds in your eyes

Don’t touch me,

I don’t want to feel 

Because they are for someone else

F*ck Technology

Now that I got over my moment of bursting rage, I might be able to explain a little more specifically (and censor the title). My computer broke down at the end of summer. I had it fixed, but all the files were saved on an external hard drive or whatever it's called. On that external thingie, I had all my files since I thought they would be in better safe there than on my computer. Well, you can all guess what happened. The goddamn thing broke down. I lost everything. Few school projects I managed to save since they were on some school's online page or on my e-mail. But my photographs, personal files (very, very extremely important personal files) were destroyed. I know I am the stupidest creature on earth for not saving everything in at least two places. I was about to, but thank the human race for inventing procrastination. I don't know what to say to describe this irritation and despair. So, you know, I'll just go with the title: FUCK TECHNOLOGY. Let's go back to the stone age...

CAS and Knitting

I'm done with CAS creativity. Actually I was done a long time ago. The CAS creativity was why I started this blog, but I still kept writing after filling the hours required. I don't know if there's anyone reading this, but so what. It's fun to write, so I'll write anyways.
Creativity was the easiest part of CAS, the other parts are activity and service. Activity is easy, too, all you need to do is a little exercise. Go running for twenty minutes and round it up to an hour... Not that I'd do that, of course I don't. But service. Doing good things for no pay, voluntary work and goodwill etc. Well. Let's just say I haven't exactly been bursting with excitement while collecting those hours. I still have like 17 hours to collect... And six months time. Yay. I'm not a cruel person who doesn't want to help others, but it's not quite my thing to do voluntary stuff. I don't even have the time. I have about five hundred essays to write and I need to sleep every once in awhile. And spend my time writing a blog. And lie on the couch.
Back to creativity. Most of the creativity hours I have collected drawing and photographing. I've knitted and wrote this blog, as well. I also take CAS from playing The Sims. You know, the part when you build and decorate houses. That's quite creative, right? I'd post pictures of some of my houses, but I'm having technical difficulties... I also have one desperate hour from trying to learn to play the guitar. I have spent more than an hour doing that, but for some reason I haven't marked them. I really, really don't know why I haven't taken CAS from writing poems. That's creative. What the hell have I been thinking?
About knitting. I'm not a pro, I can't make sweaters and stuff, but I can make little things and toys for my cat. Maybe I would be a pro if I tried to make a sweater. You never know before you try. I learned to knit when I was like less than ten years old, I think, but for some reason I haven't learned to do even woolly socks even though I like knitting. Now I'm going to learn, this winter. I have done few woolly hats, but they didn't turn out to be too pretty... But that was years ago, now I have much more patience to focus than back then.

Mittens for my cat Lili

This one I did last last Christmas for Lili

Another kitty toy, this one is quite many years old

Black Roses

I'm addicted to black roses. They're just so beautiful. And a little magical, in a way. In an eerie way. Too bad there aren't many for sale, at least not here in Finland. I heard they grow in nature in Turkey, so maybe I should visit there someday. I'm not the kind of girl who likes to receive flowers, but if a guy brought me one black rose, I'd know I have found my soulmate. Doesn't have to be a real one, a dyed rose would be good enough. But I guess I have to settle for drawing them for now.

I don't know if it's just me or does the quality of the
photo make it look like the pencils are drawn.
However, they are not drawn. I will never be
that good.

I'm developing :D

First of Autumn

It's autumn!! Yay! I don't know why I'm so happy about it. It's really the first time in my life when I'm excited about autumn. I don't even know what I'm exactly waiting for. I don't wanna go to school, I'm not looking forward to winter. Maybe it's just the rain and cold that I'm waiting for, as stupid as it sounds like. Or maybe next year and graduating. I just wanna get out of high school already, but I also want it to rain. I don't own an umbrella and my hair gets fluffy and curly and my make-up spreads when it rains, but I still love rain and I will never buy an umbrella. And I don't really know why I want high school to end since I have no idea what I'm gonna do after high school. I wanna go abroad to study, but I'm fed up with studying already. If I studied something I like, it would be different, but I can't help that pessimistic idea of not being accepted anyplace nice. Ugh. Maybe I'm waiting for apples so I could bake an apple pie.
The idea of a perfect "normal" day: it would rain when I wake up. Not drizzling, but like really rain. I would drink coffee and listen to the radio. I would put on clothes of my own style, which excludes clothes that are meant for a very hot or very cold weather. I would go do something I like, maybe go to a job I really like. The rest is hard to define. I wouldn't come home after a nine-to-five job and lie on a couch watching TV. I would be doing something all day, keeping busy without burning out. I would like to be on the move all the time, meaning my feet would be ruined from walking because I'd only wear high heels. I like boots, but not winter boots, meaning the weather would have to be chilly but not cold. I like sunglasses but I never wear them. It could be sunny part of the day, but not hot, so that I could learn to use sunglasses. I like grey weather, but the sun is nice every once and a while. Yeah, I'm an autumn-person.
There is one problem with autumn, though: I don't know whether to say fall or autumn. According to my knowledge one is American English and one is British. I use American English. I have to admit I'm not sure which is American and which is British, but I think I like autumn more. High-class problems...
Until this year, I've considered myself as a summer-person. I was born in winter, but I've never been a winter-person. I used to love winter when I was a kid, back in the good old days when there was always tons of snow. But I always loved summer better. And hated autumn. Spring has always been just the annoying mid-phase when you're tired of winter and just waiting for summer to come. I like the end of spring when there are daffodils. Daffodils are my second-favorite flowers. But the funny thing is, during my eighteen and half years- lasting life I've hated autumn. Now I suddenly love it. People change, I guess.