Should've

Should've chosen visual arts instead of Spanish. Should've chosen standard level biology instead of higher level. Should've studied for exams. Should've tried harder with IAs. Should've written a better personal statement. Should've been less socially awkward. Should've been born with better hair.
Should've. But I didn't. And I have no encouraging phrase to make it better. It just sucks.

Today was the last day of school before the final exams which are in May. And I had my Spanish oral which I guess went just fine. We had a fine party at school and all to celebrate the beginning of the vacation, but I'm just disappointed, because I know I could've done better. My IB predicted grades were 37 out of 45, and I'm going to a University that requires 24 points. I could've done so much better. Then again, I'm going to study film making, not quantum physics.

When going to junior high, I thought I should've tried harder, with both grades and people. I could've been smarter, I could've been more popular. While going to high school, I thought I could've had the best grades from pretty much every subject if I had studied for the exams. Being more popular wasn't such a big deal anymore. Now when high school is about to end, I regret more than ever that I didn't study for the exams. And I don't give a fuck how popular I am. I don't know why I ever cared. I've always been the silent, shy girl, and the popular kids were always mostly bitches. Should've studied harder, should've cared less about irrelevant people. Because what I seem like to strangers couldn't be more misleading, and because I have been blessed with brains that don't need to study barely at all to get good grades.

In addition, I should've stopped eating chocolate ages ago and started actually working out. Should've always drank more water. Or maybe I shouldn't care about appearance.

Now that I'm free until May, I should have more time to prevent all the "should'ves" that might occur after final exams. Maybe that could be an encouraging thought: Next summer, I don't need to say "should've". Because regretting things that you can't change anymore was invented in the deepest hell.

Happy Photos of Easter

For me, Easter is basically an excuse to eat endless amounts of chocolate.

Daffodils - my second favorite flowers.
(Black roses are favorite)

Fanciest table setting I have ever done...

Irish cheesecake, made all by myself.

Happy rest of the Easter!

Reflecting

I haven't even thought about writing for days since I've been busy with my slow, stress-related mental breakdown. School ends next Thursday, but I think I crossed the line today: I've been crying all evening, not even sure why. I have an English oral exam tomorrow about William Blake's poems or Charlotte Brontë's Jane Eyre, and I haven't been very concentrated on studying today. Jane Eyre's okay, but if the exam will be about Blake, I'm screwed. I won't know which it's going to be until right before the exam. I guess Blake is a really great poet, but honestly, I don't like most of his poems, especially the ones focused on innocence. But this is just my amateur opinion. On the contrary, I had a Finnish oral exam today about Katri Vala's poems. I like most of her poems from the collection Pesäpuu palaa, they're dark enough to suit my taste.
Anyhow, here's a poem by me. I randomly picked something dark from my poem book. Well, they're all dark.

Reflection

I stare at the mirror

I feel creeping terror

Between me and my reflection

There's no connection

Whole is the girl in front of me

I can't count the pieces underneath

Who's looking back?

The shell of what I used to be.

Innocence in her bluish eyes

A shade of the childish smile

Deep down inside

Behind that pretty lie

I want to paint the walls with blood

I see beauty in the most painful scars

Disgusted by all this love around

So I ripped my heart out

Pain is my consolation

My only friend isolation

The things I used to believe

Only thorns now to tear me

I started losing control

Now the cover and content don't correspond

How I reached this point

These two pieces can't be joined

I don't know anymore

There's nowhere left to look for

P.s. I nearly published one that wasn't that dark, and not as good as this. I always do that. I guess I'm afraid someone who knows me will read my blog, but fuck it, they never do.

Room Exchange

I decided to move to my sister's old room since she has moved out. The wallpapers are so pretty there and I was bored with my old room and all the pink stuff. I forgot to take a photo of the old room, but here's few pictures of my new black-and-white bedroom. I keep the old room as a study and dressing room. Advantages of having an older sibling :D

What would it be like...

I wrote a poem that I never quite finished in (about) 2012. So I was fifteen or fourteen years old, and still wrote in Finnish. Now I decided to finish, translate and modify the poem.

Original poem:

Millaista olisi elää?

Millaista olisi seisoa sateessa,

uida yöllä meressä

Millaista olisi juosta lujaa,

väsyä, hengästyä ja nauraa

Millaista olisi istua korkealla,

katsella auringonlaskua

Millaista olisi hypätä katolta lumeen,

nousta ylös ja hypätä uudelleen

Millaista olisi sulkea silmät ja huutaa,

yrittää vielä kerran uudestaan

Modified version:

What Would It Be Like to Live

What would it be like

to swim in the ocean by night

stand on the edge and look at the sunrise

close my eyes and try one more time

What would it be like

to stand in the rain

feel the adrenaline in my veins

lie on the ground and let it stain

What would it be like

to be exhausted and run fast

to be out of breath and laugh

jump into the unknown and let it scratch

What would it be like to love

What would it be like to hate

What would it be like to live?

Large Scale Problems

It is the first day of spring, and it's -3 celsius according to my phone. There's also lots of snow which will melt approximately by the first of June. That's okay.

Do you know the feeling when you combine two things, one that you love and one that you hate, and the result is a frustrating discrepancy? It happens when someone you admire greatly does something you loath greatly. It happens when your biggest idol wears fur. I don't know what to do with my life anymore. I hate hate hate people who wear fur. I love love love Adam Lambert. Now he has a fur coat and I want to roll on the floor and scream "WHY?" But the annoying thing is, big stars probably don't care much if they lose one fan. And that music has been my most important lifesaver. It's not like I wanted everyone to have the same beliefs and values that I have, but fur is the one and only thing that I've been absolute about. I want to let myself quietly forget this, but it makes me feel like a hypocrite. On the other hand, I know I have no choice but to ignore that photo on Instagram, because otherwise I would probably go crazy.
Large scale problems.

Talking about celebrities, I'm super happy Leonardo DiCaprio finally won an Oscar. Yay! And talking about the Oscars, if you want to watch the gala live in Finland, you need to be awake from 2am to 7am. Lucky I'm a night person.

I just came from the store and I did not buy dark chocolate even though I intended to do so. Damn.

I applied for several summer jobs, but I have a feeling that my applications weren't too impressive. On the other hand, it would be divine to have absolutely no duties at all for over three and half months. But then again, it would be nice to have money and be able to buy stuff. And since I've never had any kind of job before, it would be useful to have some job experience or I'll never get a real job. The problem is, by the time you're 19 years old, you're expected to have some job experience. And I don't. Goodbye, summer jobs...

A nice photo after this text would be cool. I didn't manage to find one since I haven't done much photographing lately. So no photo.