Should've

Should've chosen visual arts instead of Spanish. Should've chosen standard level biology instead of higher level. Should've studied for exams. Should've tried harder with IAs. Should've written a better personal statement. Should've been less socially awkward. Should've been born with better hair.
Should've. But I didn't. And I have no encouraging phrase to make it better. It just sucks.

Today was the last day of school before the final exams which are in May. And I had my Spanish oral which I guess went just fine. We had a fine party at school and all to celebrate the beginning of the vacation, but I'm just disappointed, because I know I could've done better. My IB predicted grades were 37 out of 45, and I'm going to a University that requires 24 points. I could've done so much better. Then again, I'm going to study film making, not quantum physics.

When going to junior high, I thought I should've tried harder, with both grades and people. I could've been smarter, I could've been more popular. While going to high school, I thought I could've had the best grades from pretty much every subject if I had studied for the exams. Being more popular wasn't such a big deal anymore. Now when high school is about to end, I regret more than ever that I didn't study for the exams. And I don't give a fuck how popular I am. I don't know why I ever cared. I've always been the silent, shy girl, and the popular kids were always mostly bitches. Should've studied harder, should've cared less about irrelevant people. Because what I seem like to strangers couldn't be more misleading, and because I have been blessed with brains that don't need to study barely at all to get good grades.

In addition, I should've stopped eating chocolate ages ago and started actually working out. Should've always drank more water. Or maybe I shouldn't care about appearance.

Now that I'm free until May, I should have more time to prevent all the "should'ves" that might occur after final exams. Maybe that could be an encouraging thought: Next summer, I don't need to say "should've". Because regretting things that you can't change anymore was invented in the deepest hell.