Christmas

First of all, let's get one thing straight: SANTA LIVES IN FINLAND, not in the North Pole.

This was probably the last Christmas I'm spending here in my childhood home. But it was a good Christmas, and I have never been a massive Christmas-fan. I like Christmas, but it's not that big a deal to me. I don't mind spending a Christmas or few in a small student apartment. However, here's few photos of the past December:

Made these all by myself.

If you watch Supernatural, you know who this is.

The best present is the one on the white carpet. Although I
had it seven years ago.

It was a black Christmas this year, no snow.
But earlier this December there was quite a lot snow,
 just enough for me to capture this nice black party
look with a white background.

Random thoughts

First of all, there is one thing in English language that has annoyed me as long as I have spoken English. In Finnish, you can say "paha" or "huono", whereas in English there's just "bad". I don't know how to explain this, but if you know Finnish and English, you most likely know what I mean. "Paha" and "huono" are two totally different things.

Christmas presents. I suck at buying presents, and that's why I don't like giving them. It sucks, because I know people who deserve something amazing, but I just can't come up with anything. At least anything I could afford...

Another thing about Christmas presents: this year, I bought all my presents by myself, and today I wrapped them up. Works for me, now I'll have everything I need.

I was writing my personal statement for the school in Paris that I'm applying to. They asked in the application why I wanted to study in The American University of Paris. By chance, I was wearing a shirt that said "Because Paris is always a good idea." Now that's a perfectly valid answer to the question, isn't it?

It's finally Christmas holiday!

I'm bored, even though I have hundreds of things planned for the holiday.

And finally, I'm moving abroad after next summer. I just got offers from three Universities, two of them are in London and one is in Cambridge (not the Cambridge University, just in the same town...). I haven't sent the application to Paris yet, but if I'll get in Paris, I'll go there. If I won't, I'll be going to England. Yay!

Animal rights and stupid people

I just overheard the most disturbing conversation. I was sitting in my school's cafeteria, and near me few girls talked about industrial farms. One of them actually said that those animals are HAPPY in those cramped facilities. She said it's NORMAL life for them. Because they have friends there and they don't understand anything. Are you fucking kidding me? I think they understand that they don't have enough space to breathe!! If I knew that girl's name, I'd tag it everywhere with this description of her opinions. Pardon my language, but burn in hell fucking bitch.

I'll rest when I'm dead

This is the conclusion I came to today. I was lying on a couch, trying to think when is the next time I don't need to worry about anything. The answer: My funeral. Right now, there's school. During Christmas holiday, there's applying to a University. After the holiday, there's more school, studying for the final exams in particular. After that, there's organizing my graduation party and possibly moving to a foreign country. Then there's more studying. When studying ends, there's work. Getting a job, doing well in that job. If I get into my dream profession, writer and/or film director, the stress will never end. I will always have to come up with something new.
I have also made another conclusion about stress: sometimes it doesn't matter. Sometimes it's worth it. I know I will most certainly be a workaholic. I am already, in a way. Studying isn't my favorite way of spending time, but I'm anxious to get everything done long before the deadlines. Just so I could start new projects earlier. And then again new projects. It's driving me towards a perfect burnout, but it doesn't seem to matter to me. And honestly speaking, being a film director OR a writer would never make me happy. I need to be both. My time will never be sufficient. But that hurry and stress would be worth it.

Despite all these deep thoughts about all the hurry and stress being worth it, right now the thing that would make me happy is going to bed and sleeping for at least a week.

Gingerbread house

I'll never get too old for gingerbread houses. I've done one every Christmas as long as I remember. When I was younger, I did it always with my sister, but now she has moved out so I did it alone. It turned out to be quite pretty, on my opinion. I don't know about other countries, but here in Finland, gingerbread houses are a big deal.

These little snowball-creatures are Christmas bogeys. Harmless.
Childish maybe, I don't care :D

Hyvää itsenäisyyspäivää!

Tänään aion syödä niin paljon suklaata että koko syksyn treeni menee hukkaan ja katsoa linnanjuhlat arvostellakseni vieraiden pukeutumista.

Vaikka haen ulkomaille opiskeleen, enkä aio enää palata asumaan Suomeen, on Suomi silti aina se ihan oikee koti. Oon onnellinen että oon syntyny tänne kylmään ja pimeeseen pieneen maahan ja että mun äidinkieli on sellanen mitä ei missään muualla puhuta. Vaikka tuntuu että politiikka ja talous yms menee täälä välillä päin helvettiä, on Suomi ainakin mulle maailman paras maa. Missään muualla tuskin voi olla yhtä sisäänpäin kääntynyt silloin kun huvittaa (minä kun en mikään yltiösosiaalinen ole), eikä missään muualla ole salmiakkia, karjalanpiirakoita eikä Fazerin suklaata. Jouluna on täysin samanlainen sää kuin Juhannuksena, mutta ei se mitään koska toppatakit on keksitty. Talvella on pimeetä vuorokauden ympäri, mutta eihän kynttilät näytä miltään auringonpaisteessa. Kesällä on sitte valoisaa talvenkin edestä. Järjestykseen voi sanat mihin tahansa laittaa, ja silti kaikki ymmärtää. Meillä on enemmän aakkosia kuin useilla kielillä, ja aakkoslaulu kuulostaa tyhmältä kun se loppuu Z:aan. Meillä on jopa sellanen kirosana, jota ei muilla ole, perkele.

Paljon olis vielä sanottavaa, mutta kyllähän te tiedätte mitä kaikkee hienoo Suomessa on, kun olette suomalaisia. Ette te tätä varmaan muuten lukisi.

Onnea Suomi 98 vuotta!

Tein ihan ite joskus ala-asteella :D

It's Independence day today in Finland.

Almost done

I just lied on the floor for... a long time. I don't know, and I do know why. I don't have anything special to do today. Except that I was supposed to write my personal statement for the British Universities I'm applying to... But the stress is still there. It's not like overwhelming stress, it's just the feeling that all this work will never end. I've written a hundred and few more essays and there's still few dozens more to write. And no matter how much effort I put in them, I always end up getting a bad or a just fine grade. And somehow it feels like lying on the floor would help. It doesn't, really. Well, it helps the moment when you're actually lying on the floor not thinking about anything rational. But the moment you get up, or even start planning to get up, the same stress and/or anxiety is there.

If I'm being absolutely honest here, I'm annoyed when the Finnish, "normal" high schoolers complain about their schoolwork and stress. Come on, do you have about eight extra long essays (some including lab work) demanding deep knowledge of a source/sources you hardly even understand, one super long essay demanding even more deep knowledge and background investigation, two oral presentations and three oral exams? And CAS on top of that. Which is doing sports, charity and something creative for 150 hours altogether. PLUS the normal coursework. I don't like complaining, but just to encourage all the normal high schoolers: it's really not that hard.

However, I chose the program myself. I didn't know it was going to be that much work, but here we are. Anyhow, I like to think that the more you work, the better it will feel like when it's over. Three more weeks until Christmas holiday. Almost done.

Perfectionism, spontaneity and handling stress

My room is not tidy all the time, but I keep objects in a 90-degree angle on my table. I'm obsessed with correcting people's English pronunciation and spelling mistakes, but I can't pronounce English myself. I know how to pronounce, but my tongue won't co-operate. I don't need to be perfect at school, but if I do something I like, I'm not happy before it's perfect. If I think I can do something better, my mind won't rest before I've done it so well I couldn't do it better. It's quite exhausting sometimes, but at least it makes me do my best. When I care enough, I'm a monstrous perfectionist.

I have a plan for doing schoolwork. It's a timetable where I mark exactly what I'm going to do, how much and when. It's called "The Survival Plan". I love and hate planning things like that. I couldn't live without my Survival Plan because I have so many things to do I'd easily forget some of them. And at least I return my essays on time. On the other hand, I'm quite a spontaneous person. I like doing what I feel like when I feel like. I'd love to go running middle of the night, but apparently you can't do that anymore in this fucked up world. Especially if you're a woman... Outside the subject. Best ideas come when you don't try to come up with something. Therefore I never seek inspiration. I do things when they pop into my head. Too bad that school kind of prevents my spontaneity. I wake up when it's dark and come home when it's dark. Dark is okay, but being tired is not. I can't wait for the Christmas holiday when I have time to live and be spontaneous again.

I lied today to the IB-coordinator. I said school doesn't cause me stress. It does, but I'm quite good at handling it. By that I mean I get things done on time, but I also lie on the floor screaming inside my head (because screaming out loud would startle my cat and disturb my parents). I also eat too much chocolate and stare blankly at the screen of my laptop for hours. But I'm quite good at ignoring stress. It'll probably cost me a cardiovascular disease.

Overall, I'm a disorganized perfectionist who's spontaneously organized and stress-freely stressed.

Winter is coming

Yes, I watch Game of Thrones. But that is not the subject. The first snow came today here in Tampere! I was at the gym in the morning (which is a miracle) and driving back home was a nightmare. I love snow and there was a lovely wintery atmosphere, but I saw pretty much nothing through the windshield. But yay, I'm still alive.

Let's not be too optimistic. It's gonna melt soon, anyhow. But you gotta enjoy while it lasts!

And about Game of Thrones, how many freaking seasons are they going to keep saying "Winter is coming" before it actually comes?

Paper cuts

I had an inspiration for this poem yesterday on math lesson. I had a paper cut from my math book. Paper cuts are small and pretty harmless, but they hurt. At least for that one startling moment when they happen. Soon after you might forget that you even had a paper cut, but it's still there. Sometimes you can feel it and see it long after.

Paper cuts

I kinda lost the track

past and present, they don’t match

Can’t help looking back

but I have messed the path

Paint my nails black

Paper cuts along the way

but years have faded those stains

Spend my life

trying to feel alive

Listening to all these songs

wondering what went wrong

Turn on the melancholic notes

Paper cut

One rosy drop

I could stay and try again

What have I ever given?

I could leave and let it be

What have I ever received?

Step into those aching heels

Paper cut and a drop of life

flows out of this fight

Shut my eyes

I don’t waste my time

I don’t need these lies

I’m free from those ties

Switch off the light

Those years, these months

Only paper cuts

Say it with a shirt

I like shirts that say something. Not anything as serious as a political opinion, but something funny yet true. Some of my meaningful shirts are quite old and not really my style any longer, so I don't wear then anymore. Except when I'm home lying on a couch all day. The only bad thing is that I don't like loose clothes very much, but all the shirts with nice prints tend to be loose.
I arranged them from the newest to the oldest. For some reason.

I will stop wearing black when they invent a darker colour.

Boyfriends are overrated. No matter what my dating friend says.

It's the most terrible time of the year. I mean mostly the part
when we have to be at school in winter. And autumn. And spring.

Because Paris is always a good idea.

Pardon my french.

Two words, one finger. This one I don't even use
anymore, but the print is just too good.

Coca-Cola Shampoo

I heard about this on the radio yesterday. I don't usually try all the weird beauty tips, but now I decided to give it a try since I found coke in the fridge. It's supposed to make your hair softer and give volume. The radio people also said that it made their hair smell really good.

My hair is still wet, so I don't know about the soft and volume part yet. However, I don't notice any scent in my hair. Although it might be because I used conditioner after the coke treatment. We'll see how this turns out.

My judgement is that Coke might actually work. It doesn't entirely replace shampoo, but it does seem to give at least a little volume.

Survival skills

I've been home alone since last Thursday, and will continue being alone until next Thursday, since my parents went on a vacation. I like being home alone, and I can keep the house up. I'm a rather tidy person, so it doesn't get horribly messy even when there's no one to tell me to clean up. I don't forget to lock the doors and I'm not afraid to spend the dark nights alone. I have a car and a driver's license, so shopping groceries is easy. But there's one thing I suck at: cooking. I am absolutely, horribly, unbelievably bad at cooking. I rarely eat a hot meal a day when I'm alone. I hate cooking, I hate how much time it takes, and I hate how bad I am at it. Few days back I made scrambled eggs and I was super proud of myself. Today I made mashed potatoes. It was okay. Quite lumpy, though... But at least I ate something. I'm not even exaggerating when I tell you how hard it is for me to cook. If you wonder if someone can actually be so pathetic that boiling potatoes is an achievement, the answer is yes: I am.
One day I was supposed to make avocado pasta. I don't like spicy food, so I didn't buy chili. Lime I didn't buy because of some sort of mental brain freeze. I thought I had basil at home, but I didn't. So I ended up eating pasta and chopped avocado. And the avocado was still raw. Yummy. And the water from my pasta kettle boiled out of the kettle onto the stove. It happens every time. Even if I just boil water, it bursts out of the kettle.
I used to like baking, but I don't anymore. I always screw up. Yesterday I was supposed to bake mudcake cupcakes. They were too long in the oven. I was so pissed I ate all nine of them at once.
I simply hate cooking. I haven't always hated, but since I fail every damn time, I have grown to hate it. When I move out to my own apartment, I will live with coffee and bananas. And cookies, of course.

Life between deadlines

That's how you feel like when you're going through the November of the senior year of IB: living between deadlines. Or to be precise, there is no life between deadlines. There are just deadlines. There is the deadline for submitting a lab design for biology IA, which was today (I didn't submit it), and there is the deadline on next Monday for returning the very final version of EE. Then there is the deadline for psychology IA that should have been done ages ago, but our teacher was merciful. And then there is the psychology test that I, because there are no other words to describe it, fucked up.
By saying that there is no life between deadlines, I mean that you take a piece of work that has to be returned soon, panic because you have no idea what to do, figure it out somehow while forgetting what such things as 'social life', 'fun' and 'outside world' mean. In the matter of fact, 'life' becomes an absurd concept. Then comes the happy day when you return the essay, project or whatever task it is (before or after the deadline), and suddenly you remember that you are young and free to live and experience. However, this hallucination dies very soon when you check your To do- list and start struggling with the next deadline. And on the cycle goes. You take a deep breath after each deadline and keep on working. If some poor soul (like me...) made the mistake of thinking "I'll work hard for few weeks or even months, have things done and take it easy for the rest of the semester", here's the cruel reality: the work never ends.
I feared November the whole semester. Now it's here. November means that deadlines become more real than ever. Applying becomes real. If earlier I could procrastinate for a day, now I can't even dream of that. It's all about school and figuring out what to do with my life now. It's like a wake up call to real life. Right now I don't have a life, and yet right now I should be extremely aware of the one life I have and make sure it will take the direction I want it to take. Some weeks, maybe a bit over a month, ago I could wake up in the morning and think that if I just got up and survived through the school day, I could come back home in the afternoon and relax for a moment. Do some compulsory schoolwork and then focus on something I actually like doing. Draw, write, go for a run. Now I wake up in the morning, go to school, come back home, open my laptop and stare at the screen until I get something done. And think about nothing. Nothing that relates to school and nothing that relates to the things I love doing. Because if (and when) I do, my stress level jumps so high I want to lay down on the floor and cry.
In a nutshell, living between deadlines on a program that was designed for people who are the perfect opposite of you means learning to live in the very moment. Thinking about tomorrow is a mental suicide. Yet I dare to say that if I could turn back time and choose another school or program, I wouldn't.

Happy Halloween!

In Finland, we don't really celebrate Halloween. We just remember those who have passed. Anyhow, I'm a real fan of Halloween with all the costumes and everything. Some day I will hopefully live in America and have real Halloween parties. But this year, I will settle for eating candy and watching a horror movie with my friends. Don't know which movie yet. And I will also consider possible Universities where to apply and plan a biology lab work. Now that's real horror.
I used to have some really creepy photos on my computer, but like I explained some time ago, those files are all vanished. Damn. I wanted so bad to publish them on Halloween.
One Halloweenish thing there is in Finland: it gets dark before 4pm.

Spooky Halloween for all creatures!

Just my luck

I've been sick for almost two weeks now. It's been quite horrible. I've had high fever and throat so sore I have barely been able to talk, not to even mention eating... I've never been this sick before, and of course this illness chose to happen now when it really shouldn't have happened. I was supposed to participate this theater thing organized in our school, but there was no way I could have gone to the auditions. It wouldn't have bothered me that much if it hadn't been quite essential for a University application. As I have told before, I want to study film making, but I don't really have any experience about it to impress the Universities. This would have been a great opportunity to do that. But no. Maybe it's Karma or something, even though I don't really believe in that stuff. Anyhow, perfectly outside the subject, here's a delightful picture of the process of making orange juice:

Black and Sparkling

I bought new nail polishes today, and I felt the urge to use them all at once. I've been planning to buy black nail polish for quite a long time, so I'm very proud of myself now when I finally had it done. I'm just gonna wear these every single day... Because there's no better combination than black and sparkling.

Achievements

Now that I'm starting to write applications to Universities, I have to start thinking about all the achievements I've made to ensure the Universities that I'd be a fantastic student who they must pick. I'm applying mainly to film making and screenplay programs, so it's not exactly easy to gather experiences on that field. Anyhow, I do have few things I've done that might be worth mentioning, even though in reality, they aren't very challenging performances...

When I was something between nine and twelve (well remembered...) I acted in a short film as an extra. I was a zombie roaming from a dark forest along other zombies. So basically I just walked slowly towards a camera covered with fake bruises and blood. And you can't even see more than my silhouette in the film, among the other silhouettes around me. But hey, it's better than nothing.
Another one of my acting performances was when I was sixteen years old. I was a tutor for younger students, and therefore I and the other tutors were asked to participate to this thing they organize for kids who are about to move from primary school to junior high. In that thing, the kids were just frightened with all kinds of bad scenarios of pedophiles looking for victims online and the consequences of using alcohol or smoking or using drugs. I was performing in the alcohol, smoking and drug abuse part as a junkie. My job was to sit in a closet under a sink and crave for more pills. Then the kids came into the room where the performance took place, and I crawled out of the closet to scare them. I guess that counts as an acting performance.

I have also been in school plays, but so has everyone. At least in my primary school we always had some stupid play for Christmas and everyone had to participate. Once when we went to church from school, I got to be an angel in the Christmas thing that I have no idea what it's called in English. Joulukuvaelma. So I just stood there in front of people in a white gown with other angels and Mary and Joseph. Cool.

So, in a nutshell, I've been a zombie, a junkie, an angel, and I'm pretty sure I've been a tree in some play in pre-school. Impressive.

I Wouldn't Step In

You know those days when nothing actually bad happens, but all kinds of little, annoying things keep coming up until you're so exhausted and outraged you just wanna sit down and cry?
I made a poem that makes no sense, but perfectly describes how I'm feeling right now.

I Wouldn't Step In

I trusted the wrong people

I chose procrastination

Now I don't give a damn,

but I care too much

I hate today

the disregard that held me up

I'm slowly fading

thought it wasn't my fault

How do they do that?

I can hear the words falling out

I can't understand

What drives them forward

What makes them smile

What made me walk away

What made them try again

I guess they're called priorities

I guess no one shares mine

But they talk so loud

and they understand what I don't

and I see what they are blind to

And our worlds will never meet

It's cold outside,

but I wouldn't step in

Even if the door was wide open

Apple Pie

Yesterday, I crossed out one point on my Things to Do Before 19- list: bake an American apple pie. It was good. I'm also quite happy about the appearance of the pie. Not bad for the first try. I'd publish the recipe, but it's not my own recipe and I don't know a thing about copyright stuff. I will most certainly do this pie again in the future. Go Americans for inventing this treat! And you know, what else can you say about an apple pie?

Motivation Breakdown

I've been sick for a while now, making me unable to go to gym. Right when I had a little motivation. I've been spending way too much time writing some of my essays, and the teachers still think I could do better. I could just stop trying and be happy as long as I pass. That's the attitude I have studied with in high school this far. But now it's the last year and I have a drop more motivation to get better grades. Had*. That motivation is slowly fading. I tried to avoid stress by doing everything on time, and it was going quite well for some time: I'm ahead of the schedule. But I can't avoid the fact that there is just so much to do that no matter how hard I work, the essays and projects will never end. (Deep sigh...)
I just finished one 1400 word essay. It doesn't really make me feel especially happy, since there are still damn many more similarly long essays to write. If I somehow get into a University, how am I ever going to survive there? Last week I finished a 4000 word essay, but apparently I still have to modify it, and I'm already perfectly fed up with it. Feels so useless, I know I won't get a very good grade whether I put an effort on it or not. It just tends to happen. It's impossible to get the best grade nowadays, unless you're some abnormal super-brain. Why do they put that grade on the scale when no one can have it...
My motivation is used up, and there's still six months to go. Six months, three or four exam weeks, nine long essays, some including laboratory working, few lab reports, two projects, five books to read and the entire project of applying to a University. Plus CAS service. Meaning voluntary working on top of all that. And when all that is over, I will start studying for the final exams.

Of Poems and Diamonds

I was sitting on a Finnish lesson today when I had an inspiration. The best ideas always happen that way. They just suddenly start forming in my head, coming almost out of nowhere. The only bad part is that I sometimes forget them before I have written them down. Should always write them down right away, but it's very hard sometimes. For example on the Finnish lessons: there are four students in a cramped classroom. It's not really a place where you can start writing a poem on your phone. (Not that our school would be lacking students, it's just an IB Higher Level Finnish thing...)

For some reason, I don't like telling people that I write poems. Few years ago I found it really embarrassing. There's really no reason for it, but I believe everyone understands. On the other hand, it's almost like making songs, and that's cool, isn't it? There's just no music, only lyrics. And with some songs, lyrics are the best part. I think I have mentioned my guitar that I painted but can't play. Well, I used to dream about being able to play some instrument just so that I could turn my poems into songs. But that dream faded. Didn't die, but faded. It would be incredibly awesome if some day I could make lyrics for songs, but it's not exactly one of my biggest dreams. I'm happy with just the poems.

The cool things about poems is that I can write a story with only few stanzas. Maybe no one gets it, but I get it. I can describe things that cannot be described, the sentences don't need to make sense. That's what I like the most about poems. They don't make sense, and still perfectly describe whatever I want them to describe. The more irrational they are, the more meanings they have. One day they fit perfectly to one situation, few years later the exact same words fit perfectly to an entirely different situation. Or maybe the meaning just gets deeper. Or maybe it doesn't have to have a meaning, maybe it just sounds beautiful. Sometimes there's just words that don't make much sense but sound good, like one or two lines. Then when I try to make it into a longer poem, it doesn't sound good. But two lines isn't really a poem.

Few words about diamonds. Everyone likes diamonds. I like everything sparkling. I have used diamonds before as a metaphor in an old poem, but that metaphor is really hard to explain. "Diamonds too icy, more cold, more sparks". I don't consider diamonds as a symbol of fortune and glamour, more like something precious but immaterial. Like certain characteristics or values that really make you who you are. Those are like diamonds. I think (not sure because it's been years from that poem) that the icy and sparkling part means emotionally icy. The colder, the more sparks, meaning more beautiful, more valuable. Like icy diamonds, they have more sparks than "warm" diamonds. I don't really use any symbol as it is commonly used. I connect happiness to rain and many negative feelings to sunlight. Well, it's not exactly that simple. No wonder if my poems are misunderstood. Feel free to make your own interpretation.

Diamonds of Light

And the sun was shining

so you smiled,

but the diamonds in your eyes

were for someone else.

Don’t drag me into light,

I don’t want to be blind

Come too close

and the diamonds crumble into dust,

wither back to coal,

and you won’t see them shine

Do you want to see

what sunlight does to me?

Does their laughter glitter in the rays,

dribble on the grass like abundant gems

Do you hide inside on rainy days,

I knew you’d be just the same

Enjoy the jewels bleary and fading,

carelessly scattered,

see them touching and breaking

Smile at the sun,

glow in the light

And the sun shines,

so you smile,

with diamonds in your eyes

Don’t touch me,

I don’t want to feel 

Because they are for someone else

F*ck Technology

Now that I got over my moment of bursting rage, I might be able to explain a little more specifically (and censor the title). My computer broke down at the end of summer. I had it fixed, but all the files were saved on an external hard drive or whatever it's called. On that external thingie, I had all my files since I thought they would be in better safe there than on my computer. Well, you can all guess what happened. The goddamn thing broke down. I lost everything. Few school projects I managed to save since they were on some school's online page or on my e-mail. But my photographs, personal files (very, very extremely important personal files) were destroyed. I know I am the stupidest creature on earth for not saving everything in at least two places. I was about to, but thank the human race for inventing procrastination. I don't know what to say to describe this irritation and despair. So, you know, I'll just go with the title: FUCK TECHNOLOGY. Let's go back to the stone age...

CAS and Knitting

I'm done with CAS creativity. Actually I was done a long time ago. The CAS creativity was why I started this blog, but I still kept writing after filling the hours required. I don't know if there's anyone reading this, but so what. It's fun to write, so I'll write anyways.
Creativity was the easiest part of CAS, the other parts are activity and service. Activity is easy, too, all you need to do is a little exercise. Go running for twenty minutes and round it up to an hour... Not that I'd do that, of course I don't. But service. Doing good things for no pay, voluntary work and goodwill etc. Well. Let's just say I haven't exactly been bursting with excitement while collecting those hours. I still have like 17 hours to collect... And six months time. Yay. I'm not a cruel person who doesn't want to help others, but it's not quite my thing to do voluntary stuff. I don't even have the time. I have about five hundred essays to write and I need to sleep every once in awhile. And spend my time writing a blog. And lie on the couch.
Back to creativity. Most of the creativity hours I have collected drawing and photographing. I've knitted and wrote this blog, as well. I also take CAS from playing The Sims. You know, the part when you build and decorate houses. That's quite creative, right? I'd post pictures of some of my houses, but I'm having technical difficulties... I also have one desperate hour from trying to learn to play the guitar. I have spent more than an hour doing that, but for some reason I haven't marked them. I really, really don't know why I haven't taken CAS from writing poems. That's creative. What the hell have I been thinking?
About knitting. I'm not a pro, I can't make sweaters and stuff, but I can make little things and toys for my cat. Maybe I would be a pro if I tried to make a sweater. You never know before you try. I learned to knit when I was like less than ten years old, I think, but for some reason I haven't learned to do even woolly socks even though I like knitting. Now I'm going to learn, this winter. I have done few woolly hats, but they didn't turn out to be too pretty... But that was years ago, now I have much more patience to focus than back then.

Mittens for my cat Lili

This one I did last last Christmas for Lili

Another kitty toy, this one is quite many years old

Black Roses

I'm addicted to black roses. They're just so beautiful. And a little magical, in a way. In an eerie way. Too bad there aren't many for sale, at least not here in Finland. I heard they grow in nature in Turkey, so maybe I should visit there someday. I'm not the kind of girl who likes to receive flowers, but if a guy brought me one black rose, I'd know I have found my soulmate. Doesn't have to be a real one, a dyed rose would be good enough. But I guess I have to settle for drawing them for now.

I don't know if it's just me or does the quality of the
photo make it look like the pencils are drawn.
However, they are not drawn. I will never be
that good.

I'm developing :D

First of Autumn

It's autumn!! Yay! I don't know why I'm so happy about it. It's really the first time in my life when I'm excited about autumn. I don't even know what I'm exactly waiting for. I don't wanna go to school, I'm not looking forward to winter. Maybe it's just the rain and cold that I'm waiting for, as stupid as it sounds like. Or maybe next year and graduating. I just wanna get out of high school already, but I also want it to rain. I don't own an umbrella and my hair gets fluffy and curly and my make-up spreads when it rains, but I still love rain and I will never buy an umbrella. And I don't really know why I want high school to end since I have no idea what I'm gonna do after high school. I wanna go abroad to study, but I'm fed up with studying already. If I studied something I like, it would be different, but I can't help that pessimistic idea of not being accepted anyplace nice. Ugh. Maybe I'm waiting for apples so I could bake an apple pie.
The idea of a perfect "normal" day: it would rain when I wake up. Not drizzling, but like really rain. I would drink coffee and listen to the radio. I would put on clothes of my own style, which excludes clothes that are meant for a very hot or very cold weather. I would go do something I like, maybe go to a job I really like. The rest is hard to define. I wouldn't come home after a nine-to-five job and lie on a couch watching TV. I would be doing something all day, keeping busy without burning out. I would like to be on the move all the time, meaning my feet would be ruined from walking because I'd only wear high heels. I like boots, but not winter boots, meaning the weather would have to be chilly but not cold. I like sunglasses but I never wear them. It could be sunny part of the day, but not hot, so that I could learn to use sunglasses. I like grey weather, but the sun is nice every once and a while. Yeah, I'm an autumn-person.
There is one problem with autumn, though: I don't know whether to say fall or autumn. According to my knowledge one is American English and one is British. I use American English. I have to admit I'm not sure which is American and which is British, but I think I like autumn more. High-class problems...
Until this year, I've considered myself as a summer-person. I was born in winter, but I've never been a winter-person. I used to love winter when I was a kid, back in the good old days when there was always tons of snow. But I always loved summer better. And hated autumn. Spring has always been just the annoying mid-phase when you're tired of winter and just waiting for summer to come. I like the end of spring when there are daffodils. Daffodils are my second-favorite flowers. But the funny thing is, during my eighteen and half years- lasting life I've hated autumn. Now I suddenly love it. People change, I guess.

Could it rain already?

Now that school has started, on my opinion it could rain until next April. But no. The sun is happily shining and it's hot as hell day after day. Right now when the vacation ended, after it had been raining and freezing all summer. I don't want this summer weather now, I want it to be autumn and cold and wet and dark.
I wrote the poem below some years ago, now I just modified it a little to be more suitable for this post.

The Rain Against My Window

I hear the water falling down,

crushing on the glass

Invisible drops on invisible wall,

rushing down, towards the ground

There's no sound more peaceful, more consolable,

than the rain against my window

I don't need to cry,

for the sky cries for me

Tears down my window,

and the sound,

no need to be found

No need for heat, or hope, or comforting words,

no need for trust, or music, no flame to burn

I'll be safe, I'll be home,

as long as it rains against my window

I just kissed a frog

It was the third frog I've kissed (so that I've counted), and no prince has still appeared. What is wrong with this world?

Things to Do

Some time ago I was browsing other people's bucket lists online and decided to list what I had already done during my life that were most commonly found from those lists. Here's few of them:
-Been an extra in a (short) film
-Taken a tattoo
-Seen the Northern Lights
-Been on a husky-sled ride
-Been in the audience on a TV-show
-Learned foreign languages (Spanish, Swedish, English)
-Been on a cruise (several times)
-Been in the front line of a huge concert (Cheek stadium concert)
-Gone to school after staying up all night
-Kissed random people
-Become a vegetarian
-Been in a "haunted" house
I don't have a bucket list for life, but I have a list of what to do before my next birthday. It includes mostly all kinds of small stuff like bake American apple pie, drink coke from a glass bottle and learn to do a split. I have already eaten Ben & Jerry's ice cream and Oreos (yes, I hadn't tasted those before this year). And I'm not far from doing a split. I also want to peel and eat a lemon the way oranges are usually eaten and learn to stand on my hands. I can already stand on my head. There are few things on my non-written bucket list for life that I will most certainly do some day. For example, a bungee jump and skydiving.

About To do- lists. For years now I've been trying to do the same most people are doing: go to gym. I'm a member of a gym. I go there occasionally. Rarely. I just hate going to the gym. I'm the kind of person who doesn't like to exercise with other people around. When I work out, I wanna work out alone. I don't know why. I really, really don't know. I've always hated school gym classes. I like sports, I like running. I just hate doing it in a group. Well, I don't like groups in any situations. Except when they're all my friends. I also don't know why I'm trying to force myself to go to the gym. Why can't I just eat chocolate and be happy?
I just added a new goal on my Things to do Before 19- list: learn to draw a rose. Here's my first attempts. I'll get better, I hope...

Just to tell how I feel about school

I tried and failed to describe it with decent language, so I made a poem of it.

The Ecstasy of Excruciation

Just walked through the rain,

had to get away

But on and on the circle flows,

with no break the exhaustion follows

I stare at the mirror,

it’ll get easier tomorrow

When the dusk darkens to night,

when the dawn breaks to daylight

I’m high in that ecstasy,

feel the excruciation shatter me

Morning after morning I open my eyes,

just to face another fight

I’m not meant to do this,

I will never be ready for it

Absurd is my reality,

trying to defeat gravity

It’s like breathing asphyxiation,

getting high from excruciation

Living in that ecstasy,

where this weariness is keeping me

Summer Summed Up

I count August as autumn because that's when school starts, so for me summer is over. Sad, but there are some pros in autumn. First of all, it will rain a lot. Although so it has pretty much all summer... Besides rain, the sooner school starts, the sooner it will be over (this will be my last year in high school). And shopping will be a lot more fun during autumn, because then there are so much more clothes that even I like in the stores. And shoes. I hate summer shoes. This far there has not been invented beautiful summer shoes. And right now I can't come up with more pros.

What have I accomplished during this summer? Nothing. Well, I did renovate my summer room. I wasn't really even supposed to accomplish anything. I visited Estonia. I collected many CAS hours. I slept a lot and ate excessively much candy and other unhealthy stuff. I drew quite a lot, but none of that is worth publishing. There are many books I would like to read, but I didn't read any for some reason. I guess I thought I didn't have time, but time was all I had. Because I didn't do the schoolwork I was supposed to do. On the other hand, I did watch series that I was supposed to watch. I finished Supernatural season 7 and Game of Thrones season 4 and started season 5. I also watched American Horror Story season 4 with my cousin, the three previous ones I have watched some time ago. And with the same cousin I watched quite many episodes of Friends and Desperate Housewives. I'm guessing it was the 101. time I watched the Friends. Talking about friends, I haven't seen many of mine lately since I've been isolating here at my cottage. Next Monday I have to return to the city... And still talking about friends, I was supposed to party a lot this summer. Duh, I turned eighteen in February... But it seems like my friends aren't either old enough or they have some other obstacles.
That's pretty much all I did this summer. Over two months doing nothing, but I'm still not ready to return to school yet... But that's probably because I'm never ready to go to school. My goal for the next semester is not to quit.

White chocolate cheesecake with
strawberries on top

Midsummer Day. It was raining.

Me taking a photo of my cousin Iida taking a photo of my
shadow taking a photo of her.

More photographs in Art Gallery.

Music and Mood

I'm not in a good mood right now, because I've been struggling with my psychology essay for way too long. Because this post is about music, I will tell what I'm listening while writing this. At this moment, my radio is playing In this moment's Gun Show. If you know the song, great. Anyhow, my psychology essay is about the effects of music on mood and health. I think it's clear without further investigation that music has an effect on mood, about health I don't know. Maybe mental health. I wish I could just write about my own conclusions, like how listening to sad music when you're sad makes you feel better, in a way. And how listening to happy music when you're annoyed only makes you more annoyed. And how listening to heavy metal helps when you're angry or frustrated. Like when you're doing a 4000 word psychology essay. But NO, I have to find some stupid scientific psychological researches and discuss about them. And not being a genius, I don't get a word of that fancy language they use in those researches. I'm in for a splendid grade... I thought this would be an interesting subject, but school and science and psychology are destroying the interest. Besides, I think they only use classical music in those researches. This far I haven't found a single actually interesting experiment.
Enough about school. Some years ago I didn't really even listen to music, except when I randomly listened to the radio. It was probably just before high school when I got "addicted". Maybe it was the only way to survive through the day... Nowadays I can't go a day without music. I listen to it on a bus, in my car however short the drive is, when I'm doing schoolwork, when I draw or write or something else creative, when I work out (rarely), whenever I'm alone. When I'm doing nothing. That's quite a lot. The only bad side is that I don't have a single friend who has a similar taste in music as me. That's why I like driving alone, I can listen to whatever I want without anyone complaining. Oh, and there is actually another bad side in my taste of music: it varies so much I cannot find a radio station or a night club where they would play the kind of music I like. I can't say one genre to be my favorite, I like some songs or some artists from many genres. There was a day when I couldn't even tell which was my favorite artist, but now I have a pretty clear opinion on that. And there's the funny thing: I don't listen to Finnish rap music, except from one artist who is one of my two favorite artists: Cheek. I guess you saw that coming if you're Finnish. Another funny thing: I don't really care about "regular" pop music (despite the few rare exceptions on my playlist...), but the other one of my favorite artists is Adam Lambert (although I would never call him regular, and I believe it's called glamrock). Again, few years back, I just didn't get the "screaming fan girls" going crazy over one musician. Now I get it. I've been there, I've been screaming in places (night clubs...) when I surprisingly hear a song I love. I've been screaming louder than my lungs can handle in Cheek's concerts.
I think music has had a larger impact on my life than I have realized before. I remember one situation where one song made me realize what I really want from this life. When I heard The Script's Hall of Fame for the first time, I decided I was gonna fight my way through high school and go abroad and study film making no matter what it takes. I even painted those lyrics on my guitar, as you can see from my art gallery. By the way, now that I'm writing about music, let it be known to everyone: I do not play any instrument. Not even that guitar. Not even the piano. Not even a little. Some time ago I was aching to learn to play the guitar, but it kind of never happened. I don't have that enthusiasm anymore, I settle for listening.
I said in the beginning that I'm not in a good mood. Well, I am now. Maybe 'cause I got something much more interesting to do than that essay. FYI, the sun is shining outside, one of these rare days during this summer, and I'm sitting inside. Well, I don't care much about sunny weather, anyways. It's enough that I can see the lake sparkling through my curtains.
I'm listening to my Spotify list on shuffle play while writing this post, and of course Spotify decided to play all the exceptions from my list. I do like some pop songs, usually not the most hyped ones, but overall I don't really care about that kind of music, like I said before. I don't classify my taste of music. If someone asked me what type of music I like, I would probably have to list all the songs I like to make them understand. Anyhow, here's the list of songs that played during this post besides Gun Show:

Adam Lambert- Shame
The Script- If you could see me now
Rob Thomas- Lonely no more
Lady Gaga- Born this way
Cheek- Liekeissä
AC/DC- Highway to Hell
Jari Sillanpää- Kultaa (I almost did't put this here... I admit, this song is my guilty pleasure)
In This Moment- The Promise
Years & Years- Shine
Britney Spears- Criminal
The Script- Breakeven
Tove Lo- Talking body
Adam Lambert- The Original High
Adam Lambert- Sleepwalker

Summer Room Makeover

I have had this own little cabin next to our summer cottage for some years now, and all those years it has been a messy, depressing cave I barely liked to sleep in. Pastel colors aren't exactly my thing anymore, but they work well in a summer room. Besides, most of the furniture have been in either mine or my sister's room when we were way younger, back in the Pastel Loving Little Princess- times.

Walls were re-painted along with some unpainted surfaces. We put another window in the room to bring a little more light and a lamp on the ceiling. As I said, most of the furniture is recycled. The white table is adopted from one of my cousins and the bed was brought from the "main" cottage when new ones were bought there. The radio was already there and the small television was brought from my home. The green cubes are from my sister's old room and the chair at the table was brought from the main cottage as well, I just painted it white (it was wooden). The white lamp on the table was already there, and the flower vase used to be a wine bottle, I just ripped off the labels. Carpets are from my old room. Curtains, counterpane and the pillow on the bed are from IKEA (praise Sweden for IKEA), and I have no idea where my mom bought the mirror and the hanging candle thing from. Small budget makeover, anyway.

Before

After

I like it in here. Who cares if the sun is shining outside...

Stream of Tired Thoughts

I've been laying in my bed for almost three and half hours, unable to sleep, so this is gonna be a tired post. It's really foggy out there, I look outside and all I can see is white. I saved a bee from a lake today. I even tried to do my math project around 3am. It didn't work out. I hate math. Really, really deeply. I also hate psychology, biology and Spanish, leaving only two of my school subjects unhated: English and Finnish. Oh, and I also hate Theory of Knowledge. I kind of also hate it that whenever I start writing down random thoughts I end up making a list of what I hate. But why stop now? I hate waking up early. I hate it that in the morning I prefer to take the bus to school and in the afternoon I prefer my own car when I'm leaving school. I hate people who drive too slow. I hate people who wear fur and people who say one person going veg doesn't change anything. I hate sunny winter days and sunny summer mornings. I hate romance and especially much I hate romcoms. I hate it when I'm hungry even though I just ate. I hate the "normal" everyday rhythm, my normal natural rhythm is going to bed 3am and waking up 1pm. I hate that my hair doesn't grow and that my natural color is so boring. I hate talking or reading or hearing about healthy lifestyles. I hate shopping mostly because I never find anything I really like. I hate it when people assume all women like babies and little kids. Well I don't. I hate that it's risky to drink too much coffee and that wearing no other shoes than high heels ruins your feet. I hate public swimming pools. I hate it when things are made too complicated. I hate it when people talk deep soft stuff. I hate it when people litter like they don't give a damn about this planet. I hate cooking. I hate all the "love is the meaning of life"- stuff. But you know, just for balance, I'll tell what I love. I love the rain. I love it when I wake up in the morning and it's raining. I love listening to music on a bus. I love writing. I love coffee and chocolate and cheesecake. I love cats and reindeer and spiders and frogs. I love black roses and the countryside where my summer cottage is. I love swimming in a lake. I love that fog out there. I love lying on the grass. I love Midsummer Day. I love cookies. I love my leather jacket (fake leather). I love lunch breaks and coffee breaks. I love staying in bed and listening to others go to work (I'm doing it right now). I love vacations. I love my renovated summer room. I love dancing. I love driving alone because then my radio won't break anyone's ears. I love staying aside not caring a bit when people stress about something meaningless. I hate it that I can't come up with more things I love right now. I'm too tired. I've been lying here for four and half hours now. Two more and I'll get up and go to the "main building" to make coffee. What's the point of sleeping anymore, it's pass 7am... That did not sound like me. Anyhow, my ears are ringing for some reason. There are crows outside. I'm terrible at writing endings. Bye people.

I love school too

I have a small bottle of wine waiting for me to start doing all those essays I was supposed to do during summer (thank you, IB). I will, as soon as my computer starts working. It has started a strike against me. There's like three weeks left of the vacation, and I have done absolutely nothing. Excuse me, IB people, for not being a superhuman. One year left, can I quit now?
Talking about school, my math project is supposed to determine whether sleeping and drinking coffee has an effect on school grades. I don't think so. Coffee gets you through the school day (somewhat), but all my life I have slept six or less hours per night during school weeks, and I'm doing just fine. "Fine" as to the fact that I never do homework or study for exams. I might be half asleep during lessons, but I wouldn't listen and/or understand anyways. At this point I would like to ask myself why the hell am I writing about school during vacation????? Maybe because for us IB-students, THERE ARE NO VACATIONS. This is a good point to start to consider whether I made the right choice after all. After comprehensive school, I was perfectly done with studying and wanted to choose something easy, so I went and applied to IB. They told me it would be hard and all work, but nooo I went anyway.
I'm just gonna take the usual way and start writing those essays few days before school starts.

I'm pretty sure I'll be good to spend few months inside four white walls after finishing high school. If I ever finish. The idea of graduation party is the thing that still keeps me going.

I'm pretty sure I'll start having nightmares of teachers asking me where my essays are real soon.

I'm pretty sure I'm not pretty sure about anything.